Changing the Narrative with Schema Therapy

Back to: Becoming Your Own Best Friend: A Journey to Self-Love & Acceptance

Shifting Old Beliefs Into Something Kinder and Stronger

In Schema Therapy, we look at the deeper “scripts” we carry—mental blueprints that were formed in childhood and still influence how we see ourselves today.

Some common schemas might sound like:

• I’m defective or broken.
• I’ll always fail.
• My needs aren’t important.

These aren’t just thoughts—they’re filters we view life through. But they’re not permanent.

Here’s how we start to shift them:

🧩 1. Identify the roles in your inner world

You might notice a Critical Parent Mode that shames you… or a Vulnerable Child Mode that just wants love and safety.
The goal is to strengthen your Healthy Adult Mode—the part of you that can comfort, guide, and lead with wisdom.

✍️ 2. Reframe the story

Take an experience that once felt like a “failure” and rewrite it through the lens of growth.
Maybe that job loss was what pushed you toward your true passion.
Maybe that breakup helped you reclaim your voice.

🛠️ 3. Break old habits with small, bold steps

Do something today that challenges a negative belief.
If your schema says “I can’t speak up,” raise your hand in a meeting.
If it says “I’ll be rejected,” share your truth with someone safe.

Every small act is a vote for your healing.

💬 Softening the Inner Critic with IFS

Working With Your Inner Parts, Not Against Them

Let’s talk about that harsh inner voice—the one that says you’re not enough, or that you’ll mess it all up.
That voice isn’t your enemy. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we see it as a part of you trying to protect you—even if it’s doing it in a harsh, outdated way.

Maybe your inner critic developed to keep you from being embarrassed. Or to drive you to succeed, so you wouldn’t be abandoned.

🗺️ Here’s how to work with it:

1. Parts Mapping

Visualise your inner critic as its own character. What does it look like? What does it sound like?
Getting some distance helps you see it as a part—not the whole truth.

2. Have a conversation

You might say, “Hey, I see you’re trying to protect me, but your approach is hurting me. What are you afraid of? Can we try a different way?”

This is how trust begins to form—and how that critic starts to soften.

3. Reparent the critic

Sometimes, your inner critic is just a scared, younger version of you.
Try this: imagine that part as a child who didn’t get the reassurance they needed.
Now offer it love:
“You’re safe now. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I’ve got you.”

This changes everything.

🔁 Making It Stick: Everyday Tools for Long-Term Change

Transformation doesn’t happen overnight—but it does happen through small, consistent steps.

Here are a few tools you can start using right now:

📝 Parts Journaling

Write from the perspective of your inner parts. What does the critic want to say? What would your Healthy Adult respond with?
This builds inner clarity and compassion over time.

🧘‍♀️ Body + Mind Integration

Combine affirmations with somatic awareness.
Notice where you feel tension, then soften into it with breath and kind words:
“I am safe. I am allowed to rest. I am doing my best.”

🖼️ Future Self Visualization

Picture your future self—the one who knows their worth and lives from it daily.
What do they believe about themselves? How do they move through the world?
Spend time with this image. Let it guide your choices.

💖 You Can Rewire the Way You See Yourself

You are not stuck.
You are not broken.
You are simply carrying patterns that made sense once—but no longer serve the person you’re becoming.

Now you have the tools to shift that. To soften, to listen, to reparent, and to lead yourself with love.

You don’t have to do it all at once.
Just begin with one small step.
Your healing is already unfolding. 🌿

Top of Form

🌬️ Flex with Love

Bringing Psychological Flexibility into Your Daily Self-Compassion Practice

Let’s be honest—life doesn’t always go as planned. And self-love? It’s easy to talk about, but much harder to practice when we’re stressed, overwhelmed, or feeling stuck.

That’s where psychological flexibility comes in.

This isn’t about forcing yourself to stay positive or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about learning to bend instead of break—to stay connected to what matters most, even when your thoughts, emotions, or circumstances get tough.

In this lesson, we’ll explore how to apply tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to make your self-compassion practice more flexible, forgiving, and sustainable—so it grows with you, not against you.

🔄 Redefining Self-Compassion as a Flexible, Real-World Practice

Self-compassion isn’t just about soothing yourself when things get hard. It’s about meeting whatever’s happening—inside or out—with honesty, kindness, and the willingness to keep showing up.

Psychological flexibility means you can feel your feelings, notice your thoughts, and still choose actions that reflect your values, not just your moods.

Let’s say self-doubt shows up before a big presentation. Instead of spiraling into “I’m not good enough,” a flexible, compassionate approach might sound like this:

• “Ah, here’s self-doubt again.” (awareness)
• “It’s okay to feel nervous.” (acceptance)
• “What would it look like to move forward anyway, in a way that honors my courage?” (values-based action)

When we stop trying to “fix” ourselves and start supporting ourselves through the hard stuff, self-compassion becomes a daily habit—not a special occasion.

🧠 ACT Tools to Handle the Inner Chaos

ACT gives us two life-changing tools for managing our internal world with more grace: defusion and emotional acceptance.

✨ Defusion: Create Space from Your Thoughts

Ever notice how one critical thought can snowball into a full-blown self-worth crisis?

Defusion helps break that cycle. It’s the practice of noticing your thoughts as just thoughts—not facts, not orders, not reflections of who you are.

Try this:
Take a thought like “I’m failing,” and say it out loud in a silly voice.
Or visualize it floating by on a cloud.
Or say: “I’m having the thought that I’m failing.”

Suddenly, it has less power. You create space between you and the thought—space that lets you choose your response with intention.

💛 Acceptance: Feel It Without Fighting It

The second skill? Let your emotions be there.

Instead of resisting fear, sadness, or frustration, practice saying:
“This is fear. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s allowed to be here.”

Breathe into it. Let it move. You don’t need to get rid of it to keep going—you just need to make space for it.

This kind of emotional acceptance builds resilience. It tells your nervous system, “I can feel hard things and still be okay.”

🎯 Turning Values Into Action

Self-compassion becomes powerful when it’s tied to your core values—the things that matter most to you.

Think about what you truly care about:

• Is it growth? Authenticity? Freedom? Connection?
• What makes you feel most like you?

Once you’re clear on your values, build your routines around them. This is called commitment planning.

For example:

• If you value connection, set aside time to call a friend or write a thank-you note.
• If you value creativity, block 20 minutes a day to write, paint, or play.
• If you value self-respect, create boundaries around your time and energy.

And here’s the key: make it flexible.
During stressful times, let your practices adapt.

• Maybe your journaling becomes a quick voice memo.
• Maybe your 30-minute workout turns into 5 minutes of deep breathing.

Adapting doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re showing up with kindness.

🔍 Keep Checking In: The Power of Reflection

As life changes, your self-compassion routines should too.

That’s why regular reflection matters. It helps you stay aligned with your values and avoid slipping into autopilot.

Ask yourself:

• Is this still working for me?
• Does this routine support the person I want to become?
• What small shift would make this feel more nourishing right now?

📝 Example:
If your daily meditation starts feeling like a chore, reflect on what drew you to it in the first place. Maybe you need to switch it up—try walking meditations, guided visualisations, or a few moments of mindful stretching.

The goal isn’t to do more. It’s to stay connected to what matters—and let your practice evolve with you.